an undefined category of sadness
something i choose to deal on my own
not even an energy to light on details anymore
sat with my dog in the cold & dark shade
against the starless sky and damp pavement
i know i shouldn't let it linger
give me the strength to give it up
break my walls
soften me up
make me smile

I guess one could say that love is a continuous nurturing process
Because man was born a natural doubter and a forgetter
But would love fade if it fails to grow deeper than its first glimpse?
Will one think by mistake that it is actually gone
When in fact it has but slipped silently into the haze of false notions?

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Looking for life's adventure still
One to stand by the ledge with me
Risk it all, walk blindly, be carefree
Overspeed, a few sharp turns, break free
Still looking, still hoping
'Til I find that grand adventure for me

What a sad sad night sad sad night
I want to be alone tonight

July 7, 2005

It will be my fourth year on the job two days from now. Four years of real hard work, learning everything from organizing files to automating forms, developing new friends within and outside the company, experiencing fun times and traveling for free, crazy pressure left and right, understanding what it means to lead and manage people. Life has been all great and God has been ever so faithful. But I stand at the crossroads of a new phase in my life – or so I think.

When I graduated from college in 2000, I prepared for job interviews and began to learn more about myself and my visions in life. One interview after another, they asked “Where do you see yourself five years from now?” I always said I saw myself managing my own business five years from then. I had no idea how to get there or what kind of business this would be, but that became my standard response.

I stand today at the end of that five-year timeline and I’m becoming more restless by the day. Being in business has not been something I could anymore imagine the past four years I’ve been working in the corporate world. I have been doing pretty well, getting promoted faster than most of my colleagues. I became the youngest manager in the company this year and I have truly grown in wisdom throughout the years. I earned the trust and respect of many people, with the passion and dedication I committed in every task given. With all modesty, I believe I have made a difference not only in the workplace but through every touch point with a customer or a supplier these past years. Blessings pour in and the joys of success continue to enrich my life at 25.

By God’s grace, I continue to amaze people with my unwavering commitment for excellence. The skills and talents bestowed upon me surely do not go wasted. But at the same time that I’m enjoying the perks brought by God’s favor, I somehow realize my mission here could be near over.

Silently, I wonder about the next phase of my life. Suddenly, I prepare to secure the future of my staff. I cut loose ends and fix patches that need to be mended. I voice out my thoughts and speak louder during important discussions. I give my best thoughts and brightest ideas aimed to improve the company one last try for management to consider. I more urgently seek opportunities to plant seeds while I have the chance.

There are at least 6 more months to go, yet I’m struggling day by day to keep my spirits high and remain excellent at my job.

I cannot break the high standards I’ve worked hard to create; I cannot ruin my testimony with mediocre output. I need to focus harder and I surely need lots of prayers to keep everything together, and in order.

But I am scared. For I have lost the zest to help improve a company that hardly moves to help itself. The visions I used to have, they begin to blur in sight. I cannot see myself part of its future anymore. Just not like before.

The company’s 10-year anniversary celebration in 2007 is something I could not be excited about at all. The incentive trip to Hong Kong in January 2006 is something I’m willing to forego. Pending promotions do not appeal to me. Potential salary increase means unwanted tax increase. I sit back and see a company with not enough passion to fuel its way to the top.

For now, I remain silent about my plans. I know that if I were to remain by His grace and work for His glory, there is nothing else to keep me busy but excellent work. As I go along, I know the craving to escape the rat race grows, but I trust that the will of God should grant me peace. Things will just fall into place, so they say.

Please
don't
break
my
heart

I am trembling in fear
So scared realizing I am not ready
My heart is pounding so fast, so hard
My fingers jittery

Lord I'm scared
I float in midair
Not knowing where I'd land
I want to run away again

Kiss you as if it were hello
Treat you like blah after a good date
Disappoint right when you're expecting
Forget just when everybody thinks they'd remember

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save me
i am dying of hurt