It’s a popularly known fact amongst my colleagues that Phi's favourite day of the work week is Wednesday. Cause plainly la, it’s midweek, and half the battle is already won. Yay!

There would then be either of 2 things to look forward to once I wrap things up in the office:
1- A carouse with friends to unwind as we toast to Friday that’s not too faraway
2- The TV

It was the latter for me yesternight, and seriously, it CANNOT get any better than this. :D

Just LOOK at the plethora of eye candy available! Argh! I’m sexcited just THINKING about it. And for awhile yesterday, I was distressed cause there came a time when I actually had to JUGGLE between the hunks. I was flipping from one channel to the other and i got so mad cause TWICE, all the commercials ran at the same time!! Hello!! Sigh. It’s NOT fair. You don’t let me choose, you DON’T. :( Urgh. I want them all ya’ll… I want them ALL. From the 26 hunks on DOND, the saucy intelligent men in CSI Miami who can’t stop flirting with their shades (Phi faints here), the hot & rugged guys of Miami Ink… and you know what? Haha, my most FAVOURITE sport series of all is back on the tube!

So here, pls allow me to welcome back with wide open arms and much luurrrvvveee… the boys of “THE CONTENDER ASIA”! (C’mon girls, lemme hear your Woot! Woot!) Haha, man, I’m such a sucker for boxing. Two HAWWTTT, sweaty, burly guys in a ring, punching the daylights out of one another, round after round… sigh, can it get ANY sexier?? (No lor!)

It’s Thursday now… hmmm… are there hot boys to keep a lookout for tonight? OF COS THERE IS, you idiot! Re-run of Miami Ink 2 @ 11pm, and another night of DOND HUNKS before that!

Woooooooootttttt!!!

It’s been awhile since I’ve said this to myself, but my Monday isn’t so blue today.

WHOOOPEEEE! =D (It’s been a long time coming, okay?)

The first day of the week has almost come to a close and I can still feel a certain high hanging in the air. Wheeeeeeeee…! Couldn’t have asked for more agreeable companionship last weekend. :) One “riot” led to another and I had such a blast! Prolly a little bushed, but ekh, put that aside. I’ll sleep it off tonight.

I should’ve been able to deduce how the weekend was gonna pan out by the Friday night I spent with T. We reminisced the good ol’ days together – oh you know the typical drill… @ Scotts’ Macs… stuffing ourselves with junk, chaining on Viceroys, eyeballing hunks (which indisputably serves as the best dynamic of our chill-out sessions) and bitching on the hottest rumours bordering our lives.

Then Saturday approached and exited itself in a flash. In a nutshell, the morning kicked off with a picnic with the boys by the beach @ ECP, then dinner with Eff in town, desserts with Depression boys @ HV and the night fashionably ended with a helluva awesome time @ MOS with Rachel, T & N. An uninvited New Yorker came into the picture for a bit and ruffled the night slightly, but I’ll let that crap pass. I’ve way better things to blog about. :)

And THAT brings me to the next best thing on Saturday! After all the nearly-unbearable-racket of “Bass Agents vs Effen” HardStyle session, a group of KayEL boys and I got acquainted and my gawd, they were SO MUCH FUN! I learnt that they drove down to Singapore (for the first time, hello!) and got hopelessly lost while searching for MOS, specially for Bass Agents (they’re massive fans of HardStyle). As per their request, I chaperoned them to 24-hour shopping and treated them to some local fare before they made their drive back to KayEL that same morning. The boys couldn’t stop themselves from proclaiming how freaky clean Singapore is and they have made an appeal to me to locate the town planners of our little island cause they’re just flabbergasted by how in order every little thing is. Heh.

The only shortcoming is the smoking ban in clubs. They were clearly pretty upset and asked how we Singaporeans could put up with such laws. But alamak, “just follow law”. Bo pian right? You want to pay fine meh? No lor.

Sunday provided equal excitement too cause the S.I. girls threw a Hen Party for our very own Miss Diana who’s about to embark on her new life journey. We had a blast playing the part of Japanese school girls, and I don’t remember having so much fun while donning a school tie and prefect badge. Hah!

There’s really more to look forward to this weekend, and I can’t wait already.

But right now, allow me to just sit back, relax and drift my mind into the euphoric note I was in just a few days ago.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh~ (Cue dreamy smiley face)

P-inch me out of this P-iercing P-ain in my P-oor P-oor Heart. Heh.

After MUCH deliberation, I’ve decided I’m obligated to write this entry… to serve as memories in time to come… despite how unfavorable & adverse they may be.

P… The presence of P has caused such a dramatic stir in my unassuming life.

In this short course of time, he helped brought in a little fun, a LOT of excitement, and delivered entertaining thrills for my amusement.

He was there.

I was vulnerable.

I got trapped, and worse, attracted.

Sigh.

*** Attracted to what, Phi?! P’s a clown, P’s a player, P’s a disruption to the healing of your emotional health. P is a Pain in the ass Player! ***

:S I’m P-etrified. How P-athetic can I get? P-fft!

Each time I look at P, a peculiar sensation entraps my feelings as I take in P’s grago looks and mini Mohawk-do. My gaze would shift from P’s face to P’s body to P’s sweet ride and I’d purse my lips together.

“What the hell are you thinking, Phi??!” – my sad sad mind would say.

But my momentary glee can’t be ignored too. P makes me happy. P makes me smile. P has my heart skipping a beat each time we walk pass each other, as our shoulders brush faintly… especially so when we catch each other stealing glances at the other through the corner of our eyes. I miss that sorta excitement. And he gives me that. What can I do?

Double sigh.

But I’m old game to him now (that damn P-layer).

So what’s next?

S I G H .

I’m on a mental ex-P-dition. Would you like to take a trip with me?

:S

P-inch me out of this P-iercing P-ain in my P-oor P-oor Heart.

That is what she calls me.

MY MOTHER.

She calls me a HEARTBREAKER.

Very recently, we were plainly having our meal quietly… I was indulging on a plate of yummy home-cooked nasi lemak when she suddenly looked up and asked, “What happened to (let’s give this boy a name, say, Dufus) Dufus?”

I choked. “Huh?”

Phi: He pissed me off.
Mom: But you were so close to him.
Phi: Yes mom, I WAS. THEN.
Mom: The poor boy. What did he do?
Phi: PISSED ME OFF. Stop asking, mommy.
Mom: You can’t just cut them off like that, you know? It’s like what happened between you and Boy A, Boy B, Boy C….

And she went on and on spitting the names of familiar-sounding boys whom have once crossed the path of my life… and like superfluous cyclones, they nearly caused mayhem and almost left me in a wreck. To think that MY MOM should be on MY side. Pfft.

She strongly feels I give too much attention to these boys… too much, too fast… and then in turn, they can’t help but grow a liking for me.

Mom: You're such a heartbreaker.
Phi: Mommy, I'm your daughter! You don't say that!

But hey, I’m NICE what. Hahha. Always have, always will be.

And I do my part ALL the time. I keep telling them I’m NOT WORTH IT, and DON’T WASTE THEIR TIME.

DON’T LOVE ME.

But do they listen?

NO.

So really, they seek their own trouble. They lead THEMSELVES into a mess.

RIGHT?

I’m not a heartbreaker, mommy. I’m a lover, not a hater.

Chey, steady la Phi! Muahaha!

(Gawd I sound like such a bitch.)

And so the “season to be jolly” has passed us by just like that…

Jolly? Heh. Who am I kidding?

I can only recollect fragmentary images… and that has much to do with my constant drunken stupor during the festivities.

Now, what’s left is just a drab & nondescript me.

Crossing over to the new year, I longed for weightless tranquility. Peace.

But what lingered around me were just lesions of sores and burns.

I brought them with me. Into the new year. I brought the wounds WITH me. These wounds are those that run deeper than it seems. Ones I can’t even see with the naked eye. They’re wounds that took me by surprise.

So I tell my poor self… “Find the real source of injury. When found, heal it.”

Pfft.

Once again, who am I kidding?

But looking back at the snapshots I took (which was REALLY not too long ago), I “think” I had a blast. Though by and large feeling quite solitary within… but hey, I gotta learn to look at the brighter side of things, don’t I?

Sure it was a kick ass season of fun.

Why not, right?

With the galore of sweet junk down my throat, the unexpected yet appreciated company of P, cute ang moh boys and of cos, the without-a-shred-of-doubt alkie that has never failed to quench my every longing thirst of desire… desire to just conc myself out to numb the isolation that overwhelms me over and over again.

Fa la la la la, la la la la…

Zack,

Thank you.

For shedding some needed light.

For putting my grey thoughts in perspective.

For helping me through my search of sanity.

Our talk was timely, and your words came across with such compelling reality.

Because of you, I’m on my way to freedom.

You said what I needed to hear.

You said what was essential for me to know.

You said what was necessary to liberate myself from my own imprisonment.

You were sensible.

You were rational.

You were extraordinarily impartial.

And genuine.

You spoke truth, Zack.

Welcome back.

You’re within reach now.

Thank you.

Dear retard,

If you REALLY open up your eyes, you’ll be able to see that something is wrong.

DEADLY wrong.

I’m annoyed.

I’m exasperated.

I’m appalled by the dreary instrument of yours you call a MIND.

You lack intelligence, common sense, brainpower altogether.

What’s going on here?

Why do I have to put up with those who keep saying things they don’t understand and doing things they don’t know?

I detest you.

You’re a bloody phony.

I don’t need another idiot to stir drama in my life.

GET. FUCKIN’. LOST.

DAN: You slept with him, didn't you?

He goes back out of the bar.

DAN: What do you expect me to do?

ANNA: Understand.

DAN: Why didn't you lie to me?

ANNA: Because we said we'd always tell each other the truth.

DAN: What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change. It's the
currency of the world.

ANNA: I did what he wanted, and now he will leave us alone.

ANNA: I love you. I didn't give him anything.

DAN: Your body?

ANNA: If Alice came to you, desperate, with all that love still between you, and she said that she needed you to want her so she could get over you, you'd do it. I wouldn't like it either but I'd forgive you.

ANNA: It's kindness.

DAN: No, cowardice. You haven't got the guts to let him hate you.

ALICE: Can I still see you?

ALICE: Dan, can I still see you? Answer me.

DAN: I can't see you. If I see you, I'll never leave you.

ALICE: What will you do if I find someone else?

DAN: Be jealous.

ALICE: You still fancy me?

DAN: Of course.

ALICE: You're lying. I've been you. Will you hold me?

He holds Alice, who's now crying.

ALICE: I amuse you but I bore you.

DAN: No. No.

ALICE: You did love me?

DAN: I'll always love you. I hate hurting you.

ALICE: Why are you?

DAN: Because I'm selfish. And I think I'll be happier with her.

ALICE: You won't. You'll miss me. No one will ever love you as much as I do.
Why isn't love enough?

ALICE: I'm the one who leaves. I'm supposed to leave you. I'm the one who leaves.

She starts kissing him.

ALICE: Make some tea, buster.

He goes off to make tea, then looks back after a short while. She's not there; he runs after her, out to the street, but she's gone.

ALICE: I'm going.

DAN: I'm sorry.

ALICE: Irrelevant. What are you sorry for?

DAN: Everything.

ALICE: Why didn't you tell me before?

DAN: Cowardice.

ALICE: Is it because she's successful?

DAN: No, it's because she doesn't need me.

ALICE: Did you bring her here?

DAN: Yes.

ALICE: Didn't she get married?

DAN: She stopped seeing me.

ALICE: Was that when we went to the country to celebrate our third anniversary?

ALICE: Did you phone her, beg her to come back? when you went for lovely walks?

DAN: Yes.

ALICE: You're a piece of shit.

DAN: Deception is brutal. I'm not pretending otherwise.

ALICE: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?

Dan tries to think of an excuse.

ALICE: Not good enough.

DAN: I fell in love with her, Alice.

ALICE: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a
moment, "I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it." And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. I'm gone.
Dan blocks her exit.

DAN: It's not safe out there.

ALICE: Oh, and it's safe in here?

DAN: What about your things?

ALICE: I don't need "things."

DAN: Where will you go?

ALICE: Disappear.