etching: The Kiss by edvard munch
...
there's an oil rendition of this, but i think this etching is much
better.
...
you know how they say : It's in the kiss?
i think so too.

how one amazing kiss can just spin my entire world out of orbit - and
nothing else matters anymore.
all the unanswered questions, all of ALL THAT ... *poof*

wow :)
...
again, please?

this must be cosmic conspiracy.

as i grumbled to a friend, with all those angels and saints above as
audience -
all who i implore for divine intervention
in the middle of every uncertainty -
they must be amused with all this that's happening
to me - all the theatrics. sigh.

i have never been the kind to think - ahead.
peter-pan-ing through life, just making the most of now.
believe me, that already takes a lot of energy.

but i do have some semblance of concern for the fast approaching,
whether am ready or not - all the possible forever(s) &
(maybe, who knows) happily-ever-after(s).
just that it has always been thoroughly exhausting
to make "NOW" work.

so Now.
Now - i have been stirred to think of things beyond this.
a bit overwhelming, since the path ahead is veined with a gazillion
potential could-be's. most will be tethered with issues on how
to be able to "handle" the way things are.

they say, there is only one outcome, eventually.
and that all paths lead to the same destination.
whatever that really means.

WHAT?! what's going on???? hahaha.

...

i know that this'll all eventually make sense
and that ALL THIS will at least give me the answers
i should have, for at least - my self.

in a few days i should be able to tell myself: this is what i want, am
certain
of it. and i will allow life to take me where i should go.

...

what coin-tosses or moodrings cannot see, the thoughts
that intrude in my sleep.

...

but, wait.
am thinking.

i want this book!

It's scratch and sniff. Of impossible smells.
The smell of the sun, communism, extinct flowers.
a literary companion to an art exhibit.
so divinely weird!
...

i had just started writing a similar one
and - now i just have to tweak it to work in a different way :)
am excited all over again.
...

at 9.22am
i ransacked my closet for "something with sleeves" - at least.
i had a presentation to look presentable for. haha.
and then i saw:

The Dress.

The one that my dad gave to me last Christmas.
Simple. Navy blue and white. With floral prints and a ribbon.
Sweet. And it was when i tried it on, Christmas morning
for my parents to see that it fit me -
when they sat me down the first time
in my life
to ask me about my plans
if ever i considered getting married.
in my mind i was shrieking "TO WHOOOOOOO?"
quietly, i asked, "Why?"

and they told me the things
parents tell their daughters -
that they just want the peace-of-mind
to know that there is someone who will
be there for me, that makes me happy
and all that. for a lifetime.

i remember wringing my hands.
barefoot, red toe nails. with gift wrapper on my lap.
in a pretty dress. sitting
at the breakfast table, and my parents
looking earnestly at me. and i wanted to
assure them that i would be fine.

i have done everything in my capacity, all my life
so that my parents might never have to be disappointed with me.
this one, is out of my hands.

so i took a mental note: the next time i introduce
someone to them. it'll have to be THAT someone.
and that i will wear that dress.

if ever.

if anyone asks.
right now.
i am – consumed.
completely.

like a crackling foil from a gum-wrapper
in a bonfire. meaninglessly obliterated.

…

i come from a conversation
that made me question – what kind of person I am.


…

disposable 3-course table setting image from demelza hill.
been staring at it for 5 hours on and off.

i mean it's pretty.
and interesting.
but who stares at plastic cutlery for 5 hours

for no reason at all?
am i officially MAD now?
this random act that made me think:

"You know what's REALLY eating me?"

I had a fever last night and woke up at 4am
to quench it down with panadol and lime juice.
i don't know what it is.
it could just be over-fatigue.
but it made my eyes feel hot from underneath and gave me a dream. this:

i was holding a book: Then Again, Maybe I Won't
and I was flipping through the pages. Aware that I was dreaming,
I told myself - look for a page, try to remember - and validate when you
wake up.
but everything was blurry and i got frustrated.
so i put it down and went to look for a mirror.
i walked down a hallway with orange and gold saris fluttering into my path
and i somehow knew the mirror is down at the end.
and when i got there, i am fascinated.
someone was beside me.
someone ( i can't recall right now) who apparently, i liked a lot.
i told him, "You're in my dream."
and we held hands and looked into the mirror.

i saw myself, quite differently from how i look now.
you know how in a mirror - everything is supposed to mimic every
action? in my dream, it's like looking at a video.

my hair all one length, longer and flowy. my eyes big, big.
i still waif thin. a smile and a look of utter concentration in my eye.
i was fixing something. and i looked happy. i looked excited.
and i was wearing a tunic - and makeup. yeah, makeup.
i looked pretty. hahaha.
and for a moment that me looked up and looked into the mirror
and i was scared she'd see me - so i moved away.

then it was a different scene altogether.
i was in a bubble-lift, going up.
and i could see the pretty pink clouds.
and was surprised to see danny beside me
(of all people?!) he looked different.
i handed him my car keys
and told him i'll be back in the morning.
and i felt something i haven't felt in a long time -
a peace so profound.

that was when i woke up and felt the fever
seething from underneath my eyes...
maybe i wasn't supposed to see that part of my life yet.
or something.

...

anyway.
i found this bag of used keyboard keys. by joao sabino.
nice aint it? i am such a geeeeeek.
i want.

Really?!
No, please.
It's too bizarre.

Flipper-heel fashion... hmmm... maybe am not there yet.

...

Glassy-eyed and livid.
My temperature kicked two notches up after
being pelted left and right with things that need
immediate attention NOW - a flood of emails, understandably irate messages
on msn,
my traffic standing over my shoulder, and my aes demanding audience.
All in fucking perfect unison.

And then there's the Today Paper my ACD hands to me
while my Art Director protests, shrieking - "Donnnnnnnnnnnn't
loooooooooooooook, louise.... don't!!!!!"
scolding me as my eyes involuntarily scan the article.

shuddering-shivers and sobbing-sighs.
I want out. NOW.

...

I have to learn to say "No".
And learn to put certain people in my auditory-blind-spot
And not be afraid to disappoint anyone and not feel compelled
to give what is obviously beyond my capacity.
I have to listen to myself more, and not
what everyone thinks and wants and needs.
I have to accept that there are things I cannot
handle right now, quite yet. And that it doesn't require
any thinking, action or decisions - just time. to heal.

The pressure to be a normal, functioning person right now
despite all the yanking from end-to-end from people and things
that need my full attention at all times, is breaking me.
I don't think anyone understands that, and i hate it
that am forcing people to try.

I need to take a walk now.

what do you do in your "Meanwhile..." time?
like you know, waiting for FA? or the minutes before noon-time meetings
when time is neither here or there?

i shop/window-shop. for trends and for personal consumption. online.
so i got an EDM that tells me to check out a new collection.
i click the link, browse the site.
i eye a thumbnail of lime green shirt -
my head tilts to the side.
hmm. nice.
i vaguely recall that I kinda liked it for some time now.
i double-clicked – and gasp.

instinctively, i reach for the phone... "Kennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!"
wonderful. a poster girl for the depression line. how apt.
funny. wicked. since i love their stuff.

am on sick leave today.
so i can blog.
...

The weekend: Went to city hall, after negotiating our way around the
closed F1 circuits and the iPhone GPS glitch-ing on us. Greeted by
giant slug-like structures climbing around the red carpet, and with
the exhibit of the image you see on the side. Gourds, shaped by hand,
to form human heads. The artist, created little by little throughout
one year. Pickled, i think (hehe) and placed in giant test tubes.
Happy, sad, angry faces. Titled: Evolutional Mythology.

More pictures soon. In my multiply gallery. Perhaps, after the F1
fever is done, I shall continue the Bienalle. Perhaps.

...

A drizzle of stories-to-keep : a fallen tree on the only path. the
climb up a slippery ravine. a mysterious bruise. scratches. listening
to the guy lying down on round table at the top of the hill. the
canopy. the beer. and the almost wild dream that followed.

...

I live next to a mall, which has a cinema.
For the past two weeks when I pass by the taxi-stand or McDonald's
someone or even different random groups of happy people would be
singing some ABBA song. No fail. hahaha. Cute.

I have never really listened to the lyrics of their songs (not my
era, haha) until it was flashed on screen in the theatre. I gotta
say, quite entertaining. :)

...

In the middle of a conversation and lamb shank for dinner, in a bar,
with my fingers in my mouth - I was tapped on the shoulder and a man,
with a green tie, hands me a glass of wine. For awhile he says
nothing. So am confused. He could be from the bar, it was an Irish
pub after all. I look at my friend for a little help. He just grins
at me and cups his chin with his hand. Idiot. Haha. The green-tied
man standing in front of me starts to talk, ignoring that i was
chewing a dripping mustard-covered lamb. Immediately, I see the ring
on his hand and roll my eyes. And promptly tune out.

I heard him saying something about how I stand out from the crowd or
something. I think he attempted to ask me my name. I smiled and said,
"What's your wife's name?" My friend hooted and the guy backed away.
Hands up. Haha.
Brilliant!

i like this picture of me.
contorted. trying to get the most unusually perfect perspective.
from hmm.... one of the Cityhall - 2008 Biennale exhibits.

sorry, forgot the title. but the artist wrapped up a scooter and some other
objects with yarn. knitted-up.
i was taking a picture of dainty vines crawling out of an air-vent and
spilling onto the scooter.
unaware that someone was taking a picture of me. haha.

...

The Twist:
Unexpectedly, two things I never thought could happen, is.

The Turn:
Is finally... not mine.

The Tangle:
Is really, all knots. When untied, it's still string.

Bahh... even in a different perspective. It still looks pretty twisted.
Haha.

i love this dress from alexander mcqueen's latest collection.
exquisite. simple.
love it!!!!!

unexpectedly - it, and some things that figure - have become the
catalyst i have been waiting for.
...

here it is, finally.
that delicious feeling of 'Moving Forward'. the kind that comes with a
dip in the climate, a push in my pace, and an anticipation that
tingles at the tips of my fingers and toes.

i am ready, world.