so this is what happened:
friday night. i, with my noisy white heels stomped my way to
Indochine wisma.
usually, cause am tiny - i think myself unnoticeable. and not mind
anyone.
however, i wanted to remember that precise moment when i "figured-out"
i was deeply, thoroughly, horrifyingly in-love.

so, i looked around me and people were staring (kindly) and smiling.
i must have sent out a silent, but very intense vibe to everyone
around me to have caused that.
i could feel my cheeks burn, my eyes a puddle, and a smile escaping me.
a decision has been made. and seemingly, not by me. because for once,
it felt - right.
must've looked like a fool. hahaha.

watching bits of the opening ceremony of the olympics, i waited for
the normal
aftershock of knowing what my heart wants. usually - a deluge of
dread, conflict, anticipation, want and whatever else. it did not come.
that was the confusing part. what's going on? am not functioning like
the louise i know.

after two beers and oh-i-don't-know, i hugged and threw kisses to
vips and brand new acquaintances and then
i call my friend kelvin, as i walked home. i decide to wait for him
so we could go to no5•emerald hill together.
seriously, i was not DRUNK, but the wait (usually annoying) 1.5 hours
felt like 5 mere minutes.
i sat in front of the tv, images flying around, but they don't register.

so, after what seemed like a charade of puppets on strings and
delayed laughter at no•5, my tummy decided am fully martini-d, and
after angelo lifts me for a bear-hug, i leave without them.

alone, in a crowd.
alone, with everyone.
alone with my thoughts and a immense feelings.
i couldn't be there.
so i went home.
...

saturday:
vivian, true to her promise to keep me occupied in the next few
weeks, calls and tells me, "we are almost there for lunch".
i promptly fall asleep again until joe calls and says "we must-meet-
now!".
i ignore them only to be woken up by reservations at Swissotel (long
story, don't ask. haha).
so, i literally claw my way to the shower and found myself, at
1.30pm, drinking a pint of Erdinger and nibbling on jalapeno-d nachos
in a bar filled with non-asians. how odd we must've looked. so out of
place. with joe telling me every now and then, "I just had lunch, i
can't help you eat." while happily munching away at my first meal of
the day.

ice-creamed my way to Pull and Bear, and fern left as we reached. Shu
mei came in a skirt,
much to joe's delight. and after the indecisiveness (i ice-creamed
some more) of whether to spa or beer, we ended up slowly making our
way to boat quay.

it rained. i, the non-singaporean, platooned us to Lau Pa Sat.
afterwards, we watched planes ripping the sky and fumbled our way to
One Fullerton, managed to
get past the barricades and found ourselves the perfect spot for the
fireworks. it was beautiful.
more beautiful to me, i suppose, even when debris fell to my hair.
cause the glittery sky symbolically marked another turning point in
my life. and i - - - can't wait.

...

the picture you see is from after the fireworks which i iPhoned.

it's my secret place right now, so i won't mention its name here.
we thought about going to timbre, but i thought it better not to - at
that very moment.
aching-feet and thirsty for a beer, we found this other place.

it had a roof-top terrace. a rickety, old-school elevator brought us
up and it opened to the sky.
nice view. giant samosas and lime margaritas that tickled us silly.
i was completely floored. it's beautiful. in a very raw and somewhat
romantic way.
and for sure, i will only bring someone who is real special to me to
the spot.
and no one else.

...
mmm... sunday morning.
it's still too early for anything, but i gotta get moving soon.
my life needs a map.

i wish the weekend wasn't over yet.
on the other hand, i wish it was next weekend already.
...
meet the man which my art director created for me, he said i needed one
to replace all the crazy ones in my life. i squint.
not bad, he doesn't look hostile, at least.
but i don't remember telling him about any crazy ones.
pfft. indeed.

see the green limb?
that's actually alf's (my acd) money plant. the plant must be, i
think, a reincarnation of jack's beanstalk.
it certainly behaves like it, wiggled his way around from alf's
office, to leong's desk and now to mine.
interesting creature it is, and i find much amusement arriving to
work every morning seeing how far it has stretched.

maybe a giant will come for a visit soon. maybe more money will come
my way. maybe.
...

today, as i waited for my cab home from merchant court, a bottle of
wine in one hand,
a bag of pistachios in the other. my sunglasses at the tip of my nose.
rumpled tube. denim shorts. my hair wet. my kate spade bag
overflowing with remnants of a night
jumping up and down in bed like a crazed 3 year old singing "In The
Navy."- i thought how very curious i must look
to the people passing by. a couple of tourists stopped to smile at
me, probably tentatively thinking whether i could give them proper
directions if they asked. i waved and hopped in my cab before they
could decide.

"too late." i wanted to tell them. as i want to tell some people in
my life who just hang in the fringes, "too late."

...

after i spoiled myself, having only chocolate and wasabi green peas
for meals between pages of reading Murakami -
i saw danny, for a little while.

this guy, i tell you, will be a constant fixture in my life.
how unusual the entire dynamics of our friendship is.
funny how we can pick up from a lost conversation started weeks
before. and how we can argue and frown over each others
understandings and stand in issues. we seek each other's comfort and
opinion - or simply, a knowing silence with our own dilemmas. as i
told him a long time ago in a fit of fury, "Why do i love you? I
can't even stand you." i wouldn't indulge myself to say he probably
feels the same way, he might.but who knows, really. am quite sure
he's forever confused about it. groan. hahaha.

in the event that we both have our own love-lives to go home to
(HA!), and can no longer camp out in each other's company till the
wee hours of the morning, i wonder how we will adjust. he's like a
part of me - a limb or something. hopefully, if we do end up with
other people - they will understand this.

am writing this, cause already, i need the people in my life to at
least have a better sense of understanding where i am. of who i am. ;-)