Thank you Nic, for this picture :)
...
James (JT). Me. Mei. Sab.
Notice, am the only one NOT holding durian. Haha.
I like durian, but not too much.

Hmmm.
This must've been some-time in June. My fringe hasn't been cut yet.
The night we went to Nic's. Half the time i was playing with (my)
Leong's poodle, QQ. haha.
Am possessive about my art director so every time i say his name, i
say "MY".
It's weird, I know. But that's how far it goes, please! Hahaha.
I like teasing him that way cause he looks like he would faint from
embarrassment every time.
But he knows it's my way of saying, "You mess with him, you mess with
me." Hahaha.
He's a great guy and a fantastic partner. Not to mention, he, like me
- can laugh about everything.

But i was talking about durian... and am kinda craving for some. They
just have a particular "way" of eating it here.
You must sit on the floor, it cannot be enjoyed otherwise. And since
it is believed to be "heaty", please don't ask me what that means,
after you eat - you must use the husk, sprinkle salt, add water - and
drink from that. And that's supposed to "cool" things down.

Not as weird as the practice here of adding a pinch of salt to your
Coca-cola, also to make it less "heaty" - but close enough.

...

So.
Today I was out, shopping, beer-ing and sneezing....and, when i got
home, my phone rings.
An acquaintance asks me to join her and her friends for a drink,
since i live in the area.
Between sniffles, I said "I can't. I think am gonna be sick."
"Why are you crying?"
"Am not crying, am coming down with a cold."
"You don't have to cry about that sweetheart...."
(i roll my eyes and groan) "Am NOT crying. It's a COLD."
She covers the mouthpiece "She can't make it cause she's crying,
cause she has a cold."
"I can hear you, you know?! Am sick, am not crying. Oh, forget it.
Yes, I am crying. I need to be alone."
"Why do you need to be alone?"
"Cause am sick."
"What are you sick with?"
"A cold."
LONG PAUSE. "Louise, it's ok. Am here if you need me."
I burst out laughing, thanked her, and said - "I just need to CRY by
myself now, if you don't mind."

...

What do you want to happen next?

...

The question above woke me up this morning. It sat before me as I ate
my breakfast. Wafted excitedly from a page of a freshly-opened
travelbook. It held my hand as I crossed the street, and swum in the
patterns of silk and thread. Quietly, it listened to my thoughts and
stared at my tofu - not quite knowing what to do with me. For a
little while, I thought I lost it in the crowd, but there it stood
before me as I turned around. It stumbled along beside me in the
train. And just as I was nearing home, I was certain – as I looked at
it from an arms length away, what I would REALLY like to happen next
– simply, is to do something right.

So, someone threw panties at Rick during singfest.
Hillarious!
Whhhhhhhhhhy? Someone, please tell me? Why?
HAHAHAHA
...

& then Nic passed me this image.
We love you RICKKKKKK hahahahaha!

(i shrivel)

...

& then...Nic also passed me lyrics to part of the song before telling me
what it was.
She said - this is so aptly my life:

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

I was struck with horror.
(WAILLLLLLLLLLL....WEEEEEP)
and then i heard the mp3. ANCIENT!
why hasn't anyone ever done a cover and remove the
goose-bumpy instrumentals hahaha

...

usually, am not fickle.
so the past two days have been the crappiest, most self-loathsome of times.
when i decide on something - people have a hard time shaking me off my
track.
especially when i know it's for the good of all. decisions like that -
should be easy to make.
will someone get hurt? yes? if it's someone other than me, then, my
risk-taking-level
plummets to zero. Yosimite Sam: Ahoy there! Enemy ahoyyy! See? White flag is
up.

...

Talking to someone last night, who said, "It's not so bad, you still have
(he mentions 2 guys/choices)." He hit a very hurtful spot by saying that. I
looked at him and thought - how is it so easy for men to just let go? How
convenient. They have no attachment to their own emotions. And i felt sad
for him, and angry at myself for not having the courage to let him see that
the choices do not matter if my "heart that knows" has made up my mind. I
guess it doesn't matter at this point. Cause as I said before - my truth is
not necessarily yours.

because i write for beauty-care, i get loads of mail and stuff from
well intended friends and acquaintances to "try" things and give my 2-
cents worth. today, i got this in the mail. am quite sure i've
written about it years ago, in my phlog blog. :)

i smile. hope! we all need this don't we?
let's see if hope works.
...

you know that feeling when you have a brand new... say, phone or laptop?
or that inexplicable excitement that comes before you go on a vacation?
heightened senses. and an anticipation of something great around the
bend?
groan. this is a bad way to explain it, but it's happening.
here we go... a massive surge of - that brand new feeling is here.

and i haven't a clue what it is.
but i have a feeling... it's gonna be great :)
am excited for absolutely no reason at all. haha.

come, world.
let's get it on.
:)

so this is what happened:
friday night. i, with my noisy white heels stomped my way to
Indochine wisma.
usually, cause am tiny - i think myself unnoticeable. and not mind
anyone.
however, i wanted to remember that precise moment when i "figured-out"
i was deeply, thoroughly, horrifyingly in-love.

so, i looked around me and people were staring (kindly) and smiling.
i must have sent out a silent, but very intense vibe to everyone
around me to have caused that.
i could feel my cheeks burn, my eyes a puddle, and a smile escaping me.
a decision has been made. and seemingly, not by me. because for once,
it felt - right.
must've looked like a fool. hahaha.

watching bits of the opening ceremony of the olympics, i waited for
the normal
aftershock of knowing what my heart wants. usually - a deluge of
dread, conflict, anticipation, want and whatever else. it did not come.
that was the confusing part. what's going on? am not functioning like
the louise i know.

after two beers and oh-i-don't-know, i hugged and threw kisses to
vips and brand new acquaintances and then
i call my friend kelvin, as i walked home. i decide to wait for him
so we could go to no5•emerald hill together.
seriously, i was not DRUNK, but the wait (usually annoying) 1.5 hours
felt like 5 mere minutes.
i sat in front of the tv, images flying around, but they don't register.

so, after what seemed like a charade of puppets on strings and
delayed laughter at no•5, my tummy decided am fully martini-d, and
after angelo lifts me for a bear-hug, i leave without them.

alone, in a crowd.
alone, with everyone.
alone with my thoughts and a immense feelings.
i couldn't be there.
so i went home.
...

saturday:
vivian, true to her promise to keep me occupied in the next few
weeks, calls and tells me, "we are almost there for lunch".
i promptly fall asleep again until joe calls and says "we must-meet-
now!".
i ignore them only to be woken up by reservations at Swissotel (long
story, don't ask. haha).
so, i literally claw my way to the shower and found myself, at
1.30pm, drinking a pint of Erdinger and nibbling on jalapeno-d nachos
in a bar filled with non-asians. how odd we must've looked. so out of
place. with joe telling me every now and then, "I just had lunch, i
can't help you eat." while happily munching away at my first meal of
the day.

ice-creamed my way to Pull and Bear, and fern left as we reached. Shu
mei came in a skirt,
much to joe's delight. and after the indecisiveness (i ice-creamed
some more) of whether to spa or beer, we ended up slowly making our
way to boat quay.

it rained. i, the non-singaporean, platooned us to Lau Pa Sat.
afterwards, we watched planes ripping the sky and fumbled our way to
One Fullerton, managed to
get past the barricades and found ourselves the perfect spot for the
fireworks. it was beautiful.
more beautiful to me, i suppose, even when debris fell to my hair.
cause the glittery sky symbolically marked another turning point in
my life. and i - - - can't wait.

...

the picture you see is from after the fireworks which i iPhoned.

it's my secret place right now, so i won't mention its name here.
we thought about going to timbre, but i thought it better not to - at
that very moment.
aching-feet and thirsty for a beer, we found this other place.

it had a roof-top terrace. a rickety, old-school elevator brought us
up and it opened to the sky.
nice view. giant samosas and lime margaritas that tickled us silly.
i was completely floored. it's beautiful. in a very raw and somewhat
romantic way.
and for sure, i will only bring someone who is real special to me to
the spot.
and no one else.

...
mmm... sunday morning.
it's still too early for anything, but i gotta get moving soon.
my life needs a map.

i wish the weekend wasn't over yet.
on the other hand, i wish it was next weekend already.
...
meet the man which my art director created for me, he said i needed one
to replace all the crazy ones in my life. i squint.
not bad, he doesn't look hostile, at least.
but i don't remember telling him about any crazy ones.
pfft. indeed.

see the green limb?
that's actually alf's (my acd) money plant. the plant must be, i
think, a reincarnation of jack's beanstalk.
it certainly behaves like it, wiggled his way around from alf's
office, to leong's desk and now to mine.
interesting creature it is, and i find much amusement arriving to
work every morning seeing how far it has stretched.

maybe a giant will come for a visit soon. maybe more money will come
my way. maybe.
...

today, as i waited for my cab home from merchant court, a bottle of
wine in one hand,
a bag of pistachios in the other. my sunglasses at the tip of my nose.
rumpled tube. denim shorts. my hair wet. my kate spade bag
overflowing with remnants of a night
jumping up and down in bed like a crazed 3 year old singing "In The
Navy."- i thought how very curious i must look
to the people passing by. a couple of tourists stopped to smile at
me, probably tentatively thinking whether i could give them proper
directions if they asked. i waved and hopped in my cab before they
could decide.

"too late." i wanted to tell them. as i want to tell some people in
my life who just hang in the fringes, "too late."

...

after i spoiled myself, having only chocolate and wasabi green peas
for meals between pages of reading Murakami -
i saw danny, for a little while.

this guy, i tell you, will be a constant fixture in my life.
how unusual the entire dynamics of our friendship is.
funny how we can pick up from a lost conversation started weeks
before. and how we can argue and frown over each others
understandings and stand in issues. we seek each other's comfort and
opinion - or simply, a knowing silence with our own dilemmas. as i
told him a long time ago in a fit of fury, "Why do i love you? I
can't even stand you." i wouldn't indulge myself to say he probably
feels the same way, he might.but who knows, really. am quite sure
he's forever confused about it. groan. hahaha.

in the event that we both have our own love-lives to go home to
(HA!), and can no longer camp out in each other's company till the
wee hours of the morning, i wonder how we will adjust. he's like a
part of me - a limb or something. hopefully, if we do end up with
other people - they will understand this.

am writing this, cause already, i need the people in my life to at
least have a better sense of understanding where i am. of who i am. ;-)

image: a curious note i forgot and tacked on my computer.
the smell of night.
the sweet taste of the morning sun.
the texture of a harmonica on the tiny hairs behind my neck...
...

no new stories to tell.
just old ones that have yet reached denouement.
far from bored, my eyes are still peeled.
and my feelings... once again changing

...

weekend's here.
i had an entire line-up of things to keep myself COMPLETELY busy
and am chucking that out the window now.

Fate, whatever that may be - will have to decide what will happen or not.
Cause i ... i give up.

it's 11.25pm, real time.
an hour ago - i was having coffee with Joe.

The guy who took my order and schlopped my cappuccino
took one look at me, while i was staring dreamily at the moon - and
created this for me. hee hee.
when strangers go out of their way to make me laugh -
i can't help but like the world a little bit more.
...

so i come home, and immediately try to rush the chores i have been
avoiding for 2 days, and blink at my
laundry basket for maybe 10 full minutes. i suddenly remembered
something that made me go into my thinking pose
(pointy finger on lower lip)...hmm. this weekend has considerably
been, well, for lack of a better word – surprising.

something has changed. drastically. in the past 24hours. and as i
wrote in my previous entry (below this) quite unexpectedly. and i
just sat and watched the transformation take place.
i look up to heavens and the decide-rs of my fate - and say "Really?"

...

i have never talked so much before.
because i have blatantly refused to step out of orchard this entire
weekend - my friends came to see me. it was nice :)
and so... now, i have to catch up on some ZZZzzs before the weekend
is officially over. seriously. groan. and my throat hurts. olympic-
size conversation marathons are exhausting.

but am grateful, cause even if i don't have answers to any of my
questions - i think, somehow, they are just a turn of a page away.
so, i think, the story goes :)

you know, i should really be working.
and am getting frustrated with myself.
usually, when i say i will work from home
something comes out of it.

not tonight.
tonight, i soaked in passion-fruit scented bubbles.
gabbed on the phone.
stepped out for midnight tea.
and promptly came home to surf www.uncoolhunting.org (yes, UN-
coolhunting)
and found hideous chunks of trivial things and whatnot - like
furniture tattoos (eeeks),
transgendered cosmetics...and then i found this: the G&G Anime-styled
extra large contacts.

* GASP! *
i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
go ahead, label me uncool - but OMG!
i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have dreamt of these things and have actually doodled it on my
little post-it covered
moleskin book of "Desires".

it would fit perfectly in my odd collection of lenses (which i
haven't or hardly have ever worn)
flowers & birds, dollar signs, love-struck hearts – oh, and i have
20/20 vision.
However, i cannot find any site that actually sells it online. It was
just released on the 11th of Aug this year.
:( hurry, malls in Singapore. hurry.

...

am on msn with a friend right now, and i show him the link to my new
"lust"
and he says "what would you wear it with?"
i actually scan my entire wardrobe in my mind - and say
"they're eyes, you idiot! i can wear it with my boots, bangles or my
bikini - take your pick!"
and he replies, " i can picture you wearing them all together now,
and your big eyes rolling."
i close our conversation window and ignore him now. hahaha.

...

i think i have to sleep soon. my heart is ka-thumping funny.
maybe cause i've been thinking much too much about someone
and all the possibilities and the impossibilities of the "us" we are
and what we could be .
sigh.

you know how it is?
how you just "know", for example - even in crowd and it's dark -
and you had to reach out and find his hand - without looking you
know it is him? am like that with him. that's just one thing.

and while it is rather curious, it is really quite wonderful.
a sense of knowing to whom you belong.
ok... am getting weird again, this should be on my OTHER blog.
which no one knows about hehehe.

oh well...
time to snooze and continue a dream that was left hanging last night.
i want it to continue. i really do.

i hug my pillow and whisper to it - hello... is this thing working?

ironically, on the eve of the 3G iPhone launch in Singapore - my
iPhone dies :s
i think it's gone bricked.
somehow in the middle of an applications update and with my cable
connected to my mac
i had pressed the thing i was NEVER supposed to have pressed - the
upgrade button.
the death to all "hacked" iPhones.

proud as i have been for having been one of the first 12 to own one
in Singapore (sept last year) -
this little stumble has been the most excruciating mistake i have
ever made
(dramatic heaves) in my entire life.

boo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

i think all is magnified since - i have no spare phone.
I had two. One Jon has, the other Soong Fee lost :(

So now, at 1:44am.
I call it.

Unless i can figure it out from the forums. Am supposed to be good at
this, right?
...

Or maybe the universe is already making way for the spiffy black
16GIG iPhone 3G. maybe.

...

but still. this one is important to me. :s
very.

through lunch today, i punished my keyboard with such intensity that
i could feel them no longer wanting to bounce back up again. so i
stopped, looked at the rain through the window and mulled about my
life for a few moments. this is when i caught a glance of me, a
little disjointed between two mirrors and a plant.

two mirrors. and a plant.
how symbolic.

there are two people in my life, i consider mirrors of me.
and someone, in a game of word association one day, i referred to as
my plant.

but i think, the word that most describes all this is: disjointed.

...

if there were two of me - who would i choose to be?
me or me too?
my dr seuss riddled path to answers is not simple.

...

i am exhausted. work has been overwhelming, to say the least.
i shouldn't complain, i mean, some of the stuff am writing purges the
truest, deepest things in my mind.
and it's good, so it's like solving my little puzzles - and working
at the same time.

and i tell you - my quest to maintaining truth... is getting a bit
warped. hahaha.
today i had to gauge how much truth someone very important to me can
handle
and i realised that in some cases, half-truths are necessary.
now a new cloud: does not telling the whole truth make something a lie?

...

what would you do if you were me?