by now
am supposed to have gotten my lazy ass out of bed,
go to little india for my threading appointment,
get to the office to collect the (fattest) files i was supposed to be
thinking about this weekend :s
buy fruit and vitamins (i feel a cold on its way)
then join joyce and joe for lunch (it's past 12:30pm right now)

but, but, but...
the sky looks grey
my tummy says "Noodles & toast, please?"
and am thoroughly enjoying the silence.
so... i hug my pillow as i type this.
lazy.

...

to the person who says
i am "terrible" for not smiling.
??????????
here you go :-)
hahaha

...

holycrap!
got the shock of my life!
my itunes started playing
Are You Ready by Creed all by itself.

lovely.

...

i like sweet.
i like affectionate.
i like romantic (dammit! ok, i admit!).
i like the little gestures
that say: i like you so much!
i like to know that am thought
about and told that.
i like gentle.
it means: i don't want to hurt you, louise.
hmmm... :)

roughly 10 minutes to myself.
just to get my mind off from work.
a tiny patch of green in a far away pretend place to rest my eyes.
are you guys sure this works?

am pained at the amount of research i must sift through
just to get past this pitch fever :s
...

ancient, year 2001.
image from Maxwell's video "lifetime"

and i question myself:
"Can ALL this really happen in one lifetime?"
But it is.

all i can do is shake my head
and take it frame-by-frame.
too bad, i can't bellow "CUT!"

surreal.
God, are you seriously
gonna let me go through this?
it's INSANE!!!
hahaha

...
time's up.
grey clouds outside.
am sunshine-y inside.
B-52s loveshack on replay now.
haha

pfft. back to the grind.

filthy, spiffy.
a smoked diamond twist
hair accessory.
i watch for jennifer behr's creations :)
however, am not so sure i would pay $170 for this.

it would definitely make all my bad hair-days
something else.
haha
...

i really should try to sleep.
it's 5am, but my hair is wet.
groan.

and somehow the momentum
of writing about jewels
cabbed home with me.
to think that at 3.45am
all i wanted was my bed :s

...

how very peculiar
how some things/thoughts/oh-you-know-what-i-mean
turn up
when and how you'd least expect them to.
or even imagined to.
i am baffled.
am not sure yet
if i should be smiling about this...
yet, i am.
help. haha

ick.

bad picture.
but i want to remember that look
of me "trying" to be diplomatic
and obviously only 1/2 listening
to the person outside the frame.
haha. they don't know it
but it's not a noise-canceling device.

and i want to remember how someone
(the person who took this picture)
saw me differently.

hahaha
...

am home, actually.
2am. whee!
this pitch ends tomorrow, so i'll be good.
and i am promised a beer.
so looking forward to it.

...

Me pointing to the sky: That cloud is on analog mode.

P: You mean it looks like it's gonna burst into condensation?

Me: Look! It moves in jagged, rude motions like a dot-matrix printer.

P (rolls eyes): And i suspect only you could imagine what it would
look in digital.

Me: You CAN'T?

P, why are we even friends? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?
We're from totally different species.
HAHAHA.

see this?

i have the cutest-ever purse hook which i tweaked with
a big 1-inch eyeball as the main visual
(((erm.... HAHAHAHA. forgive me! ad-speak.)))
it lives on my office desk
and sometimes it disappears.
to where, i don't quite know haha.

why i am thinking about it
at 6.30sunday-am
is cause my mind is
dancing around the many different things
that disappear and magically return.

like THAT picture
gripped with swarovski crystal.
one day
i realised it just wasn't there anymore :(
for the life of me, i could not remember
moving it - and no one lives in my room but me.
and t-h-e-n
it reappeared on the same spot
i last saw it - a few months later. :)
i wasn't surprised, even. just a little irked.
"Where have you been?" I shrieked at it
out-loud.

And of course, like many things
that leave and come back in my life
- no real explanation is needed. :)

Welcome back.
...

Still so tired
from lack of sleep -
and now too much of it.
And the touristy bits with Henry.
And all the thinking in-between.
This weekend is definitely
quite different.

It's time for breakfast now.
Yay.

I have never woken up this early
to just eat. haha

i need coffee.

Dais, am posting this for you. We like fun shoes, we do:

I was told it was plastic.
Impulsively, I shrank to the wall.
"... like crocs?... no thanks."
then, i was told it had a little prince theme -
and here it is...
from melissa plastic dreams.
hmmm...
let me think if i like it, give me a few days :)
it's not too bad.
they have other designs. google it :)
...

life's very very very tricky.

...

it's sunday evening || morning, technically - almost 1am.
i should try to sleep
but my head is spinning.
then again, i don't feel with my mind
so whatever this is
it has completely stripped-off
reason, anyway.
good grief.

...

i feel like having bacon & eggs now.
and some wisdom with that, please

i have roughly 5 minutes to myself
between Craning and making a List of Lists.
work stuff. inconceivable.

i sit on the couch beside my desk
- a mental recap of what's been happening
to me. my workspace corner is empty.
everyone is out for lunch.
i am - chewing on words.

...

the pages of my thesaurus would bleed
if it were human.
...

life.
interesting. confusing. shit.
haha. and so i ask heavens again, what i did at
church this sat:
"By any chance, in the past 6 years
when i prayed - did you guys up there
hear the wrong name?"
HAHAHA

perhaps.
...

Am meeting with a friend later
for dinner
who's excited to tell me about
his blossoming love life, i think.
happiness is contagious.
am almost terribly happy.
almost. :)

...

some flower-shop called me
to say they TRIED to deliver something
but that i was nowhere to be found.
i laugh.

that is so right.

I wonder how much of all this I can take
before I buckle.
I mean, look at the side-effect :
am listening to ABBA continuously-without flinching.
Maybe I've gone catatonic. Groan. Hahaha.

…


My arm is wet.
From watergun  squirts. Eeeek!
Just before I screamed -
an axiom reveals itself to me.
Split-second wisdom:
When things are kept hidden
it must be something really wrong or
really bad that it has to be kept from other people.


If my truth requires for me to hide
someone else's truth and
cover a bigger truth, then it in itself must be wrong.
Do I make sense – at all?

I wither.
Evidently, happiness requires a fine print of Terms & Conditions.


There is always a catch. I don't know if like my life right now.
It's an epic of trying-truths.

….

Abba right on cue, background vocals:
Take-a-chance
Take-a, take-a
chance- chance.

HAHAHAHAHA!

SOMEBODY SLAP ME!
I have no energy to
switch off someone's iTunes playlist.

…

Bought this book yesterday while waiting
for Joe. I know it's gonna be
a mindless read – where it still

spins within a formula of happy endings.

And I would be disturbed
at the end of it – but am preparing
for serious alone time
(which means: one day to myself)
this weekend.

before anything, let me express my amusement
about men who are really just little boys.

* clap, clap, clap *

through a window i saw a dollhouse and
walked into what was most definitely
a toy store.

in a tiny aisle i ran into 2 men, pulling out a robot
from its box.

((Excuse me, are there hula-hoops here?)))
They look at me, bewildered and scoff.
(((This is a hobby shop not a toy store.)))
I point at the doll house at the window,
(((You coulda fooled me.)))
I laugh and strangely enough, they laugh with me.
Huh?!
(((How about a catwoman barbie doll?)))
Then they start paying me attention.

Whip!!!

...

image: HARUE's tailoring for a 1/6th Joker
from toysrevil.blogspot.com

hee hee hee
it's just so adorable.
...

my magic 8-ball says:
Go for it.

i say:
Hell yeah!

pix: Digipost.
The power went out while we were editing.
And for a few minutes i just sat there and stared at a seemingly deep
and empty
void, although I knew that if i reached out i could feel kelvin or
mei beside me.

and i relished the moment.
...

this weekend:
i saw balloons that carried pretty dancing women to the sky.
dusty clowns and tin dolls that cost over $40,000.
a thing labeled as a horse, but am quite sure wasn't.
thoroughly enjoyed my breakfast(s) and the hours that followed.
i smiled at a lovely brickwall with a moving picture, but not.
i dreamt of danny.
the darkness told me things to think/worry about.
i walked and walked and walked - and i didn't mind at all.
i had beer and sausages and plenty of amusement.
i hoped not to fall in love.

...

5 mins earlier -
in this space i wrote an entire chunk
of what's really on my mind.
but had to pour smoke and glitter over it
cause am sure the world
does not need to know - yet.
the secrets that i keep.

image:
my limited ed. i (adidas) singapore jacket.
a gift from (D with the Y) ages ago. HAHA.
which came out of my closet only today.
that brand new smell. mmm.
it's wayyyy too big cause it's in men's size.
but i love it.
...

as you must know by now, this blog is an outlet to all the
impossibilities i have to face everyday. and because i can vent, i am
pretty much "ok" still. :P
even when my plastic-fork broke from leong's take-out ikea meatball
lunch for me, as my traffic peppered my table with job briefs that
required my attention - right now!

...

I am pressed against the wall and am thinking of:
1) a guy with displaced emotions (how can anyone fake thoughfulness,
ask me, I know)
2) another guy who might be lacking in certain emotions (but secretly,
i don't think so)
3) a guy with too much emotions over the wrong things
4) another guy who only feels things for himself

Maybe it's the air in this country.

...

i want my bed.
i cannot wait till this weekend.
AND IT'S A MONDAY!!!

The Riedel Swan Wine Decanter.
Beautiful isn't she? Found at amazon.
In my list of wants :) i can see it in my future kitchen.
ok, don't mind me. am crazy this way.

...

So, I watched Red Cliff.
Didn't expect to watch it, but I did, and it was - quite amusing.
Of course, I was always slightly infatuated with Takeshi Kaneshiro -
so that was the grabber.
His eyes. How they twinkle. :) blink, blink, blink.

This cannot be a spoiler (i have friends who haven't yet watched) so
I won't say anything more.
Since I never was got into the "tele-novela" culture, subtitles
warped my viewing pleasure for the first 15 minutes
and then i got the kick of speed-reading just so i could watch more
of Takeshi. haha.

When did i start liking pretty boys?
I always thought that i liked very man-men.
Hmm... oh who knows anymore!

...

Am flying to my escape this weekend.
But, I haven't bought tickets, yet.
Truth be told - I don't know where I wanna go - for sure.
Shh. Don't tell anyone. I don't have a plan. Hee hee. That's me.
So exciting. No plans. Just a passport. 5 days.
For all i know, I would end up spending all 5 days with my parents.
And that would be great too! :)

or...
I could beach, then Manila.
Yes, alone.
ALONE.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.


...

Caramel-coated dreams.
I want to beach and watch the sun rise.
The rain has gotten to me. I feel a little out of it.
I should be thinking about the rush jobs sitting on my desk.
But am home tonight.
My private time.
People ask me, "But don't you live alone - how can you not have alone
time?"
Cause i hardly am alone. Seriously.

Nic, a friend, was telling me one time - that am lucky this way.
Well, considering everything above all this - i am.

...

I know a guy, who, surprisingly - would do so much to be with me.
I say "surprisingly" for the simple fact that I never thought - never
in my life thought
that he would even bother to acknowledge my existence. Life's pretty
funny. Shocking.

But I've been screwed-up with love, romance, or anything remotely
associated with
intimate relationships. As you probably would know. And now, to have
even a hint of "something"
makes me question everything. So... I shrug my shoulders and look
around at the crowd asking myself
- is this really happening to me? Is this real or is this like some
seriously damaging hallucination?
Do i need a shrink for this? Hahaha. Actually, i know this is pretty
much for real.
And am petrified.

Image: James The Bookend.
Found at the MoMA online store.
i grin. it's cute.

i was just explaining to my niece that bookends are things that keep
books tidy on the shelf
...
i am back. but two teeth less.
i finally had that minor wisdom-teeth surgery - in Manila.
with the comfort of my daddy, nearby. :)
it took less than 15mins, can you believe?

my tiny getaway - was.... too tiny.
in between, my aunt found time to ask me when am gonna get married :s
groan. hahaha.

i tell her: "Soon?!" (((((GAG!)))))) yeah right!
i should have asked her to pray me a novena, one of those perpetual
things.
a little help might do it. hahaha.
...
i have pictures! of my babies! but i still haven't found my camera
cables yet - so it'll have to wait.
...
reading Sputnik Sweetheart. finally got over my - reading nonsense -
phase and decided to re-acquaint my starved mind with real stuff.
...
at the airport today, in my homeland *sheesh*, i was mistaken for a
thai national.
i was a bit shocked. i turned to look at the people around me, and WE
were all filipino. and i thought, "Don't I look like everyone
else?". When am in bali, they think am local. In malaysia too. In
thailand too!!!!
but in my own country - they think am not filipino? how weird is that?!

a screenshot of my timetable from last week.
a so-so week. plenty to do, but manageable. the week before was crazy.
i save it here to remind me that if "paced" out, i can still have a rather functional and acceptable life in and around my workload.

...
i don't know why i am easily affected by too many things. actually, i should be, in every sense. cause it's about me too. i wish i wasn't so affected and be able to say - whatever happens, i'll just accept it. maybe it would be easier. if i had it my way, i would rather not spread myself thin. cause, honestly, am worn out. and i can't help it, i doubt so many things now. how do i believe anything under these circumstances? 


so what if i got the spine and the willpower to take what comes my way and make things work? when everything, at this point, is not for me to decide on. if you really think about it nothing is up to me. you know what's harder than to have to make life-changing decisions, is not being able to make those decisions. Or at least the decisions i truly wish for myself.


the funny thing is, my gut tells me what is gonna happen. i know.
so why do i believe it could be otherwise?
am a fool aren't i? so stupidly smart to have it figured out and not be able to turn away.
this might just be what makes me human. my flaw: the sacrifice of believing.

...

this is turning out to be a thoroughly gloomy thought bubble.
got a pin to pop it?

the friendliest rodent-trap i have ever seen. hee hee.
found at blog.makezine.com
if like me, you live to be amused and devour the ideas/stories
brought about by others thoughts - browse the site, please.
they have curious pieces of info like the Beatles music, deconstructed.
and how to hack a security camera with a helium balloon... really!
...
oh! i forgot to mention - a few days ago i was sitting between my dad
and mom on the couch. and to stop them from talking about my
"relationship" crises (intentionally plural), i said, "Oh, i have
something new to show you. Don't worry it's not another body
piercing." and promptly flashed them my tattoo. it felt like one of
those kiddie-am naughty "Look ma-no hands!" scenarios.

(((oops. did i not mention that here yet? hahaha. will post a picture
up soon.)))

anyways, i have the coolest parents in the world. they laughed, then
hugged me, clearly accepting all of my strangeness. they scrutinised
my lopsided little-prince inspired shooting stars, the kicked-up
trails of tails and the free-formed word in latin. and they were kind
enough not to ask "why veritas?". hahaha.

it's not hard to figure out why all that- is meaningful enough for me
to have imprinted forever. i know my parents are worried. i wish i
could tell them a different story - something a little happier and
less troubling. here's where the heavy conjunction comes - however,
it hasn't been that happy a time for me. but it should be, soon
enough. perhaps. :)
...

eating my very late, soupy-mooshy dinner, my companion told me,
"What are those thoughts dancing around in your head?"
before i could think it through, i spat, "How'd you know?"
bewildered he said, "Know what, Louise?"
hahaha. it's the second time this happened to me today. the other was
at work, and someone reading an album title that was playing on my
iTunes, out loud. I shrieked "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???" and almost
fainted. hahaha.
am at like the ends of my nerves and am hearing the wrong things.

Almost like the time my art director asked me to spell film.
he said, and i heard "Louise, how do you spell phlegm?".
Ewww. i was grossed out, and figured it was wrong. so i spewed out
the closest words: " f-r-a-m-e. f-l-a-m-e... can you please use
hyperdictionary dot com- for the love of god! " hahahaha

...
out-of-body soul leaping moment. my crush (god knows what he really
is to me) - he's online! :)