image:
another one from xkcd

whoever does the stuff, gets me.
hahaha.
...

yesterday, i was in chinatown
pretending to be a tourist, still.
just enjoying the food, the company.

it struck me how
happiness
when confronted with it,
(i know confrontation is not easily associated with the word)
requires no reason,
thinking or
meaning.

:)
...

when was the last time you've fallen in love?
and how did you know it to be so?

...

i used to write poems.
did i ever mention that?
actually, and decidedly - that's what started my career.
so, deep down inside - in some recessive pore,
i too am a hopeless romantic.
i hide under my pillow now.
hahaha.

am only mentioning this
cause today
while in a cab
i scribbled on a tiny post-it a line
that spoke my heart.

i showed it to a friend
and she cried for me.
and promptly called her boyfriend.

am afraid of the words
i wrote so i threw it away.
and for the life of me -
i cannot remember what they read.

Yeah, well.
So it goes.
Another lunch at my desk.
Actually, am not eating yet - am listening to Marvin Gaye
pour his feelings to me, and me ALONE hahaha.

And really, am trying to condense all (27 pages of) my research
to three words. Bah. I have so much meaning in my life, this way.
Sarcasm, a gray cloud hovers above me.

Truth is, I love doing this research bit -
i have found so many amusing bits of information
about the search of self, ego, id.

what kind of career path would a philosopher take, seriously?
it would be nice to know if it's a viable profession today
as most theories, principles and all that has already been
spawned aeons ago.
...

i need a vacation.

eye glasses created from beer bottles.
nifty.

found at urban spectacles.
hmm.
...

i am waiting for a friend
to come back from 7-11 with that hang over pill
to bring to another friend who is already drunk :s
i wonder how THAT works.

because am on antibiotics (my tooth!) i haven't been drinking
and strangely enough, everyone else around me
seems to be getting drunk every day.
EVERY DAY the past week.
is it just that i know so many gemini's?
why is everybody celebrating their birthday this month?
what's going on?
maybe i should celebrate mine too.
hahaha

...

there is something i WANT to do
and i am irked
because every single time
the chance arrives
something else needs my full attention.
BAH!!!!

:( grumpy me.

...

in my next life i will be a dandelion.

i found this image while looking for funny signages on the net.
and i haven't laughed so much in such a LOONG time.
...

a few days ago, I watched Sex And The City (the movie).
there was a part, after the jilted wedding scene
where they trooped to mexico
and Carrie stayed in bed for days.

i just came from that.
not so long ago.
(((minus the spiteful wedding issue.)))
but ALL that.
and i went home and waited for the
tears to come.

it didn't.

sometimes, i wake up crying mid-sleep.
and it troubles me that my soul is hurt
and weeping, but it's acting as
a separate entity from my consciousness
probably because it knows
this is something
i cannot bear.
or fathom to comprehend.

...

Life's fucked this way.
you try.
you hope.
you believe.
and then - nothing.

...

To My UTMOST Confusion
I am happy in some parts too.
A happiness that has me looking at
my fresh scar-tissue and
screaming
"HEAL, bitch, HEAL!"
and a surge of feelings
that am sometimes
wary about, because
something is still broken
in me. and because suddenly
there is an opposite
to THAT hurtful void.

so comes the grain-of-salt
and the necessary distance that i wasn't even
aware i could need so much.
and a tattoo pattern.

flickr-ed and found this image.
too beautiful.
...
I think…it's not hard reading people.
Especially if you've known them (actually, pondered and analysed their behaviours, reactions & interactions, principles, obsessions, manners, quirks, thought-processes, values, history, stimuli, upbringing, conditioning, and OF COURSE the opinion of their friends…) for a long time. I think intrinsically, you could, if you care enough to – know what the person is up to – and why.


It's just a matter of acceptance. understanding.
And already, a forgiveness.
Plus, whatever expectations you hold from that person.
And, on top of that -  you have to consider your very own opinion and
feelings toward which ever matter.  All the time aware your reaction is critical

to maintaining - all things that shape that friendship or relationship.

But I could be wrong.
Maybe we never really know anybody.
Or ourselves for that matter,
And we can only perceive and apply acceptance

when the moment is upon us.

…

I must really sound like I have been through
a lot of soul-searching.

Not really. I don't have the luxury of time and space.
Right now.

This morning, despite the tricked-up insanities

life just put me through – and JUST AS I am
questioning my faith. I, ironically, had to instill
faith, speak of it with unwavering conviction
to someone who needs it most.

Outward, I am composed – calm and confident.

Inside, I am a wreck. I hope God, that you hear those prayers
someone so very important to me so ardently
needs to be heard. This is crucial to not one, but
many lives. Please, please, help.

i am having another one of those
don't-bother-me-don't-come-near-me -don't-even-think-about-it!!!
days.
...

since the 29th of May -
i haven't had the chance to be alone and
Think Of Myself.

i've had it.
i snapped on friday night which catapulted to yesterday.
cause i find it very hard to believe
that everyone wants
me to be all over the place, expect me to be there
for them no matter what - not bothering to ask
if am ok.

...

i feel very claustrophobic right now.
everyone is treading into my personal space
and into my every thought.

i REALLY don't want to talk to anyone.
i NEED to lock myself in my room.
throw my phone in the back of my closet.
i just want to stay in bed
the entire day
and sleep.
and cry.

and shut myself from the world.
i don't wanna have to pretend that things are ok
and put others before myself -
just for one day,
Let. Me. Be. God.

Let me cry, scream, be angry.
And cause i feel sick too (FANTASTIC TIMING)
let me be.
Allow me that please, or am gonna go insane.

It just so happens that my brother is here for a visit
and i cannot just let him be alone
in this foreign city.
it's not very nice to do that.
and he has no clue what am going through
cause he has enough going on in his mind
and i don't wanna trouble him.
Am struggling to be a good sister, and company.

...

am gonna go away.
soon.
i don't care
if it's inconvenient for anyone
or that it is dangerous that
i travel alone when am depressed.

i need a vacation from myself.

...

image from exploding dog

This door closes at midnight.
For all the chances I've given, this is the very, very last.


...
image is flickr-ed.

found these shoes at ETSY, but they only have them in 9s. :(
falling in love with the site.
...
i forgot to Phlog this - i think:
A month or so back, my friend Nic came over with a surprise
in the middle of the night.
She got me the geisha girl earrings from Etsy!
wooooohooooOOooOooOOo!

i am loved!
:) thank you again, Nic.
I shall post the pix with me wearing em - when i find the cable for my
camera.
haha
...
i just realised the critical level my finances has plummeted.
i have to start putting myself on an NO-impulse-buying budget.
...
i abhor my moodswings.

they're TOO unpredictable.
maybe am bi-polar, for real.
wikipedia says am not. quite.
but then again, i can attribute all this
to the many seasons, experiences, encounters i have
just roller-coaster-ed through.

notice: attribute, not blame.
...

out with the old.
in with the new.

...

i am shuffling through
nauseating despair and tingling excitement.
no, am not pregnant. hahaha.
it's just that am half this and that.
bitter-fucking-sweet.

...

i see the clues.
and i don't know what to make of them.
the sheets. the tee. the music.
all that stuns and puts me on
unbreathing pauses
and serves as antidote to my
fuming, warped catalyst-ic purging.

you don't know what you're doing to me!
say something!

On loop.
Tapped from my resource pool of shared iTunes in the office :

Continuum.
In Repair | Dreaming With a Broken Heart | Waiting On The World To Change

Am quite sure I have this CD.
where is it?

My coffee-cup doesn't have answers for me today.
hmm... Maybe John Mayer will.

Image googled.
Yes, i think he's hot.

........................

In Repair


Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong

I COULD BE READY

Oh but if i take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair, i am in repair...


Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready

I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

....
The title for this entry has everything to do with my today.
I cranked up my computer to start research for a project

and as i scanned the materials i saw the phrase and
.....i know what the tattoo will be significant for now.

i just LOVE boing-boing!
...

i had x-rated conversations with
2-friends last night while having beer.
ok, it was "academic"... we were
thinking out logistics (erm.. positions)
and a few possibilities
given the circumstance
of a healing tattoo on a hip
no strenuous activities/perspiring
and no sea food!!! (ok, that's not really part of the issue haha)
and 10-days to heal.
it was pretty funny.
hahaha

...

remember this character in sesame street?
yip. yip. yip. yip. brrrRrrrrring... telephone.
:)

...

1) bank account review
2) passport & visa
3) a spinning globe & one coloured pin
4) a rising excitement

stop me from smiling. haha.
am CRAZY.

The same person who gave me the pretty flower -
(which i blue-tacked so it won't topple,
and fed its thirst away from a thimble sized container)
is also the same person
who shot suction pellets on my computer screen :s

and i actually tried to work this way
moving my eyes around the tiny
orange obstacle course
for a little while.

i wrinkle my nose.
go ahead people, feed my neurosis.
it gets better.

hahaha
...

A good scolding.

P: Don't be so nice. Don't tell people how wonderful you see them
anymore.
Stop showing them what a great person they can be
cause you think they are. They'll believe you cause you're earnest and
sincere and it shows that you mean it.
They won't know that the world probably don't see them
the same way - and yet eventually they will think
they're too good for you Louise.

P continues: And that guy? Only you would see that he has something
good in him.
And he's a bad person. But you don't see it do you?
You see confidence and a deep sense of self respect, and trust me,
others see
arrogance and a really bad attitude that is covering up for a very
big flaw.
He's common and boring, but you made him better simply by believing it.

I looked at P
and my shoulders feel heavier.
Not for the way she shamelessly put down someone i looked up to,
but because of the truth in the words she spoke.

The truest of all truths: My truth, is not necessarily yours.

oooh. so fun.

i want this!!!
it's $52 USD though.
that's just mad!
found at littlefactory.com
...

"Do you know how much power you have?
how many people listen to you?

how many opinions you've changed?
how big your audience is?
Do you know who's listening?
and how many of those - will pass your thoughts on
how a single word you say, how you say it
– a single word about something or someone can shape everything?"

+All this, over 3 sips of Erdinger, I looked at my friend and smiled.+

of course, i know.
not the fullest extent.
but i know, that i will always
have to be responsible for
everything i say.

so, take it from my hero :

Jose Rizal
who has prompted an entire
archipelago into mutiny.

Do not piss off a writer, who has a
sharpened weapon.

HA!

Why do they always say Truth or Consequence?
Bull shit.
Truth comes with it.
There is no OR.

...

Scribbled and inked
in a language men no longer care to understand.
(So fucking apt.)

...

Nic, Sab and James were there
documenting my life-changing moment.

Oh. And that would be Jeremy working on me.
Cute, isn't he? :P

...

My answer to the guy in yellow:
It depends how you say it.
And what you want it to mean.
1) With sincerity (and that means, with heart) it could sound like a blessing or a prayer.
2) With total nonchalance, it is nothing but a curse. (try this with one eyebrow up)

the question:
How do you say "I hope you get what you truly deserve." and for the person to
get what you mean right away.

Chris Cendana - MARRY ME!!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

I have a confession.
A weak spot for men who
1) can sing
2) and play guitar
3) are not afraid to bear their soul
4) especially if they have dimples
5) and eyes that hide nothing
A weakness that has only surfaced in the past month.

haha.
...

I have been flashing people in lifts, the girl's bathroom, in my office.
hee hee. "I have something to show you... *whip*... nice?"
Amused smiles. Careful inspection. And looks that say: You're not who i
thought you were.
Compounded by a collective chuckle when JT does the same thing
to them a few seconds later.
HA HA HA.

still listening to Chris Cendana
at Youtube.
I LOVE YOU CHRIS!!!
(gawd, how old am i? 12?!)
alternating with BabyFace
(ancient! but let me regress for a little)

...

its juice running out
i plugged in my iPhone to my office
workstation and it decides by itself
to upload my entire photo-album :P

me and looking for signs,
found this
image.

taken weeks ago.
a screen shot of my phone's face.
there was a message
which i refused to open for DAYS.
so, the red dot with 1 on it.

this, accidentally taken as i tried
to call my brother
after sleeping for days in my bed
refusing to talk to anyone.
eat, feel, think or anything.
and when i tried to get up
my legs buckled beneath me.

and i couldn't get myself to even panic.
i thought to myself...
how can one person
cause me this much despair?

...

the sign,
i think says: see you've moved on somehow :)
you're ok now.
a reminder that am not that strong.
a reminder that there are things beyond hope.
a reminder that there are bad in people as much
as there is good in them.
a reminder that there are greater forces than love.
a reminder that am never really in control.
a reminder that i am a mere mortal.
a sad reminder that my will, faith and trust is not enough
to fix anything.
a reminder that we all heal.
a reminder that am quite alone in all of this.
a reminder that life goes on.
a reminder that no matter what you feel,
this is only true to you.
a reminder that there are things to look forward to.
a reminder that i can choose to stop.
a reminder that there's something better coming
my way.

That's me and Joyce.

* squint, squint *
gaspppppppppppp!
Oh well.

Was trying to recall where this picture was taken
and then suddenly it hit me.
Of the many pictures we have in bars
why is this the only one i have?
...

It was joyce's birthday last week
and we sat down, at quaru bar (not this on the picture)
drinking tiramisu martinis (not as well enjoyed as the one as
the bar up the hill, why am i tiptoeing around my own mind)
playing with a boxing nun hand-puppet, ooh-ing at a pop-up book,
laughing at a bun squished in a card, jumping every time my
phone beeped... and
listened to some girl's rendition
of "It's too late..."
and i was actually smiling.
Happy birthday Joyce.
I love ya to pieces!

i have had aches in different anatomical
parts in the past week (haha)
one for my MVP condition - that i had
to just storm in my ACDs office and say
"I need to go home NOW!"
And a migrane that had me frowning
the entire time I was with Tung and JT...
and therefore a foot massage
in far east. :P

...

I see a pattern.
Maybe am wrong.

...

Ok, i gotta lunch with Jon and Weng.
I have to be normal.... tweak, tweak...
the screws in my brain, tighter.
HAHAHAHHA.

haha.
a hillary nutcracker.
...

i know this entry will double in text if i email through gmail.
nevertheless. it will be twice as potent, i hope,

...

i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.