The Riedel Swan Wine Decanter.
Beautiful isn't she? Found at amazon.
In my list of wants :) i can see it in my future kitchen.
ok, don't mind me. am crazy this way.

...

So, I watched Red Cliff.
Didn't expect to watch it, but I did, and it was - quite amusing.
Of course, I was always slightly infatuated with Takeshi Kaneshiro -
so that was the grabber.
His eyes. How they twinkle. :) blink, blink, blink.

This cannot be a spoiler (i have friends who haven't yet watched) so
I won't say anything more.
Since I never was got into the "tele-novela" culture, subtitles
warped my viewing pleasure for the first 15 minutes
and then i got the kick of speed-reading just so i could watch more
of Takeshi. haha.

When did i start liking pretty boys?
I always thought that i liked very man-men.
Hmm... oh who knows anymore!

...

Am flying to my escape this weekend.
But, I haven't bought tickets, yet.
Truth be told - I don't know where I wanna go - for sure.
Shh. Don't tell anyone. I don't have a plan. Hee hee. That's me.
So exciting. No plans. Just a passport. 5 days.
For all i know, I would end up spending all 5 days with my parents.
And that would be great too! :)

or...
I could beach, then Manila.
Yes, alone.
ALONE.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.


...

Caramel-coated dreams.
I want to beach and watch the sun rise.
The rain has gotten to me. I feel a little out of it.
I should be thinking about the rush jobs sitting on my desk.
But am home tonight.
My private time.
People ask me, "But don't you live alone - how can you not have alone
time?"
Cause i hardly am alone. Seriously.

Nic, a friend, was telling me one time - that am lucky this way.
Well, considering everything above all this - i am.

...

I know a guy, who, surprisingly - would do so much to be with me.
I say "surprisingly" for the simple fact that I never thought - never
in my life thought
that he would even bother to acknowledge my existence. Life's pretty
funny. Shocking.

But I've been screwed-up with love, romance, or anything remotely
associated with
intimate relationships. As you probably would know. And now, to have
even a hint of "something"
makes me question everything. So... I shrug my shoulders and look
around at the crowd asking myself
- is this really happening to me? Is this real or is this like some
seriously damaging hallucination?
Do i need a shrink for this? Hahaha. Actually, i know this is pretty
much for real.
And am petrified.

image:
my limited ed. i (adidas) singapore jacket.
a gift from (D with the Y) ages ago. HAHA.
which came out of my closet only today.
that brand new smell. mmm.
it's wayyyy too big cause it's in men's size.
but i love it.
...

as you must know by now, this blog is an outlet to all the
impossibilities i have to face everyday. and because i can vent, i am
pretty much "ok" still. :P
even when my plastic-fork broke from leong's take-out ikea meatball
lunch for me, as my traffic peppered my table with job briefs that
required my attention - right now!

...

I am pressed against the wall and am thinking of:
1) a guy with displaced emotions (how can anyone fake thoughfulness,
ask me, I know)
2) another guy who might be lacking in certain emotions (but secretly,
i don't think so)
3) a guy with too much emotions over the wrong things
4) another guy who only feels things for himself

Maybe it's the air in this country.

...

i want my bed.
i cannot wait till this weekend.
AND IT'S A MONDAY!!!

pix: Digipost.
The power went out while we were editing.
And for a few minutes i just sat there and stared at a seemingly deep
and empty
void, although I knew that if i reached out i could feel kelvin or
mei beside me.

and i relished the moment.
...

this weekend:
i saw balloons that carried pretty dancing women to the sky.
dusty clowns and tin dolls that cost over $40,000.
a thing labeled as a horse, but am quite sure wasn't.
thoroughly enjoyed my breakfast(s) and the hours that followed.
i smiled at a lovely brickwall with a moving picture, but not.
i dreamt of danny.
the darkness told me things to think/worry about.
i walked and walked and walked - and i didn't mind at all.
i had beer and sausages and plenty of amusement.
i hoped not to fall in love.

...

5 mins earlier -
in this space i wrote an entire chunk
of what's really on my mind.
but had to pour smoke and glitter over it
cause am sure the world
does not need to know - yet.
the secrets that i keep.

before anything, let me express my amusement
about men who are really just little boys.

* clap, clap, clap *

through a window i saw a dollhouse and
walked into what was most definitely
a toy store.

in a tiny aisle i ran into 2 men, pulling out a robot
from its box.

((Excuse me, are there hula-hoops here?)))
They look at me, bewildered and scoff.
(((This is a hobby shop not a toy store.)))
I point at the doll house at the window,
(((You coulda fooled me.)))
I laugh and strangely enough, they laugh with me.
Huh?!
(((How about a catwoman barbie doll?)))
Then they start paying me attention.

Whip!!!

...

image: HARUE's tailoring for a 1/6th Joker
from toysrevil.blogspot.com

hee hee hee
it's just so adorable.
...

my magic 8-ball says:
Go for it.

i say:
Hell yeah!

I wonder how much of all this I can take
before I buckle.
I mean, look at the side-effect :
am listening to ABBA continuously-without flinching.
Maybe I've gone catatonic. Groan. Hahaha.

…


My arm is wet.
From watergun  squirts. Eeeek!
Just before I screamed -
an axiom reveals itself to me.
Split-second wisdom:
When things are kept hidden
it must be something really wrong or
really bad that it has to be kept from other people.


If my truth requires for me to hide
someone else's truth and
cover a bigger truth, then it in itself must be wrong.
Do I make sense – at all?

I wither.
Evidently, happiness requires a fine print of Terms & Conditions.


There is always a catch. I don't know if like my life right now.
It's an epic of trying-truths.

….

Abba right on cue, background vocals:
Take-a-chance
Take-a, take-a
chance- chance.

HAHAHAHAHA!

SOMEBODY SLAP ME!
I have no energy to
switch off someone's iTunes playlist.

…

Bought this book yesterday while waiting
for Joe. I know it's gonna be
a mindless read – where it still

spins within a formula of happy endings.

And I would be disturbed
at the end of it – but am preparing
for serious alone time
(which means: one day to myself)
this weekend.

i have roughly 5 minutes to myself
between Craning and making a List of Lists.
work stuff. inconceivable.

i sit on the couch beside my desk
- a mental recap of what's been happening
to me. my workspace corner is empty.
everyone is out for lunch.
i am - chewing on words.

...

the pages of my thesaurus would bleed
if it were human.
...

life.
interesting. confusing. shit.
haha. and so i ask heavens again, what i did at
church this sat:
"By any chance, in the past 6 years
when i prayed - did you guys up there
hear the wrong name?"
HAHAHA

perhaps.
...

Am meeting with a friend later
for dinner
who's excited to tell me about
his blossoming love life, i think.
happiness is contagious.
am almost terribly happy.
almost. :)

...

some flower-shop called me
to say they TRIED to deliver something
but that i was nowhere to be found.
i laugh.

that is so right.

Dais, am posting this for you. We like fun shoes, we do:

I was told it was plastic.
Impulsively, I shrank to the wall.
"... like crocs?... no thanks."
then, i was told it had a little prince theme -
and here it is...
from melissa plastic dreams.
hmmm...
let me think if i like it, give me a few days :)
it's not too bad.
they have other designs. google it :)
...

life's very very very tricky.

...

it's sunday evening || morning, technically - almost 1am.
i should try to sleep
but my head is spinning.
then again, i don't feel with my mind
so whatever this is
it has completely stripped-off
reason, anyway.
good grief.

...

i feel like having bacon & eggs now.
and some wisdom with that, please

see this?

i have the cutest-ever purse hook which i tweaked with
a big 1-inch eyeball as the main visual
(((erm.... HAHAHAHA. forgive me! ad-speak.)))
it lives on my office desk
and sometimes it disappears.
to where, i don't quite know haha.

why i am thinking about it
at 6.30sunday-am
is cause my mind is
dancing around the many different things
that disappear and magically return.

like THAT picture
gripped with swarovski crystal.
one day
i realised it just wasn't there anymore :(
for the life of me, i could not remember
moving it - and no one lives in my room but me.
and t-h-e-n
it reappeared on the same spot
i last saw it - a few months later. :)
i wasn't surprised, even. just a little irked.
"Where have you been?" I shrieked at it
out-loud.

And of course, like many things
that leave and come back in my life
- no real explanation is needed. :)

Welcome back.
...

Still so tired
from lack of sleep -
and now too much of it.
And the touristy bits with Henry.
And all the thinking in-between.
This weekend is definitely
quite different.

It's time for breakfast now.
Yay.

I have never woken up this early
to just eat. haha

i need coffee.

ick.

bad picture.
but i want to remember that look
of me "trying" to be diplomatic
and obviously only 1/2 listening
to the person outside the frame.
haha. they don't know it
but it's not a noise-canceling device.

and i want to remember how someone
(the person who took this picture)
saw me differently.

hahaha
...

am home, actually.
2am. whee!
this pitch ends tomorrow, so i'll be good.
and i am promised a beer.
so looking forward to it.

...

Me pointing to the sky: That cloud is on analog mode.

P: You mean it looks like it's gonna burst into condensation?

Me: Look! It moves in jagged, rude motions like a dot-matrix printer.

P (rolls eyes): And i suspect only you could imagine what it would
look in digital.

Me: You CAN'T?

P, why are we even friends? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?
We're from totally different species.
HAHAHA.

filthy, spiffy.
a smoked diamond twist
hair accessory.
i watch for jennifer behr's creations :)
however, am not so sure i would pay $170 for this.

it would definitely make all my bad hair-days
something else.
haha
...

i really should try to sleep.
it's 5am, but my hair is wet.
groan.

and somehow the momentum
of writing about jewels
cabbed home with me.
to think that at 3.45am
all i wanted was my bed :s

...

how very peculiar
how some things/thoughts/oh-you-know-what-i-mean
turn up
when and how you'd least expect them to.
or even imagined to.
i am baffled.
am not sure yet
if i should be smiling about this...
yet, i am.
help. haha

roughly 10 minutes to myself.
just to get my mind off from work.
a tiny patch of green in a far away pretend place to rest my eyes.
are you guys sure this works?

am pained at the amount of research i must sift through
just to get past this pitch fever :s
...

ancient, year 2001.
image from Maxwell's video "lifetime"

and i question myself:
"Can ALL this really happen in one lifetime?"
But it is.

all i can do is shake my head
and take it frame-by-frame.
too bad, i can't bellow "CUT!"

surreal.
God, are you seriously
gonna let me go through this?
it's INSANE!!!
hahaha

...
time's up.
grey clouds outside.
am sunshine-y inside.
B-52s loveshack on replay now.
haha

pfft. back to the grind.

by now
am supposed to have gotten my lazy ass out of bed,
go to little india for my threading appointment,
get to the office to collect the (fattest) files i was supposed to be
thinking about this weekend :s
buy fruit and vitamins (i feel a cold on its way)
then join joyce and joe for lunch (it's past 12:30pm right now)

but, but, but...
the sky looks grey
my tummy says "Noodles & toast, please?"
and am thoroughly enjoying the silence.
so... i hug my pillow as i type this.
lazy.

...

to the person who says
i am "terrible" for not smiling.
??????????
here you go :-)
hahaha

...

holycrap!
got the shock of my life!
my itunes started playing
Are You Ready by Creed all by itself.

lovely.

...

i like sweet.
i like affectionate.
i like romantic (dammit! ok, i admit!).
i like the little gestures
that say: i like you so much!
i like to know that am thought
about and told that.
i like gentle.
it means: i don't want to hurt you, louise.
hmmm... :)

haha.
a hillary nutcracker.
...

i know this entry will double in text if i email through gmail.
nevertheless. it will be twice as potent, i hope,

...

i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.
i will not waver. i will not melt. i will not soften. i will not
yield. i will not give in. i am ice.

That's me and Joyce.

* squint, squint *
gaspppppppppppp!
Oh well.

Was trying to recall where this picture was taken
and then suddenly it hit me.
Of the many pictures we have in bars
why is this the only one i have?
...

It was joyce's birthday last week
and we sat down, at quaru bar (not this on the picture)
drinking tiramisu martinis (not as well enjoyed as the one as
the bar up the hill, why am i tiptoeing around my own mind)
playing with a boxing nun hand-puppet, ooh-ing at a pop-up book,
laughing at a bun squished in a card, jumping every time my
phone beeped... and
listened to some girl's rendition
of "It's too late..."
and i was actually smiling.
Happy birthday Joyce.
I love ya to pieces!

i have had aches in different anatomical
parts in the past week (haha)
one for my MVP condition - that i had
to just storm in my ACDs office and say
"I need to go home NOW!"
And a migrane that had me frowning
the entire time I was with Tung and JT...
and therefore a foot massage
in far east. :P

...

I see a pattern.
Maybe am wrong.

...

Ok, i gotta lunch with Jon and Weng.
I have to be normal.... tweak, tweak...
the screws in my brain, tighter.
HAHAHAHHA.

still listening to Chris Cendana
at Youtube.
I LOVE YOU CHRIS!!!
(gawd, how old am i? 12?!)
alternating with BabyFace
(ancient! but let me regress for a little)

...

its juice running out
i plugged in my iPhone to my office
workstation and it decides by itself
to upload my entire photo-album :P

me and looking for signs,
found this
image.

taken weeks ago.
a screen shot of my phone's face.
there was a message
which i refused to open for DAYS.
so, the red dot with 1 on it.

this, accidentally taken as i tried
to call my brother
after sleeping for days in my bed
refusing to talk to anyone.
eat, feel, think or anything.
and when i tried to get up
my legs buckled beneath me.

and i couldn't get myself to even panic.
i thought to myself...
how can one person
cause me this much despair?

...

the sign,
i think says: see you've moved on somehow :)
you're ok now.
a reminder that am not that strong.
a reminder that there are things beyond hope.
a reminder that there are bad in people as much
as there is good in them.
a reminder that there are greater forces than love.
a reminder that am never really in control.
a reminder that i am a mere mortal.
a sad reminder that my will, faith and trust is not enough
to fix anything.
a reminder that we all heal.
a reminder that am quite alone in all of this.
a reminder that life goes on.
a reminder that no matter what you feel,
this is only true to you.
a reminder that there are things to look forward to.
a reminder that i can choose to stop.
a reminder that there's something better coming
my way.

Chris Cendana - MARRY ME!!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

I have a confession.
A weak spot for men who
1) can sing
2) and play guitar
3) are not afraid to bear their soul
4) especially if they have dimples
5) and eyes that hide nothing
A weakness that has only surfaced in the past month.

haha.
...

I have been flashing people in lifts, the girl's bathroom, in my office.
hee hee. "I have something to show you... *whip*... nice?"
Amused smiles. Careful inspection. And looks that say: You're not who i
thought you were.
Compounded by a collective chuckle when JT does the same thing
to them a few seconds later.
HA HA HA.

Why do they always say Truth or Consequence?
Bull shit.
Truth comes with it.
There is no OR.

...

Scribbled and inked
in a language men no longer care to understand.
(So fucking apt.)

...

Nic, Sab and James were there
documenting my life-changing moment.

Oh. And that would be Jeremy working on me.
Cute, isn't he? :P

...

My answer to the guy in yellow:
It depends how you say it.
And what you want it to mean.
1) With sincerity (and that means, with heart) it could sound like a blessing or a prayer.
2) With total nonchalance, it is nothing but a curse. (try this with one eyebrow up)

the question:
How do you say "I hope you get what you truly deserve." and for the person to
get what you mean right away.

oooh. so fun.

i want this!!!
it's $52 USD though.
that's just mad!
found at littlefactory.com
...

"Do you know how much power you have?
how many people listen to you?

how many opinions you've changed?
how big your audience is?
Do you know who's listening?
and how many of those - will pass your thoughts on
how a single word you say, how you say it
– a single word about something or someone can shape everything?"

+All this, over 3 sips of Erdinger, I looked at my friend and smiled.+

of course, i know.
not the fullest extent.
but i know, that i will always
have to be responsible for
everything i say.

so, take it from my hero :

Jose Rizal
who has prompted an entire
archipelago into mutiny.

Do not piss off a writer, who has a
sharpened weapon.

HA!

The same person who gave me the pretty flower -
(which i blue-tacked so it won't topple,
and fed its thirst away from a thimble sized container)
is also the same person
who shot suction pellets on my computer screen :s

and i actually tried to work this way
moving my eyes around the tiny
orange obstacle course
for a little while.

i wrinkle my nose.
go ahead people, feed my neurosis.
it gets better.

hahaha
...

A good scolding.

P: Don't be so nice. Don't tell people how wonderful you see them
anymore.
Stop showing them what a great person they can be
cause you think they are. They'll believe you cause you're earnest and
sincere and it shows that you mean it.
They won't know that the world probably don't see them
the same way - and yet eventually they will think
they're too good for you Louise.

P continues: And that guy? Only you would see that he has something
good in him.
And he's a bad person. But you don't see it do you?
You see confidence and a deep sense of self respect, and trust me,
others see
arrogance and a really bad attitude that is covering up for a very
big flaw.
He's common and boring, but you made him better simply by believing it.

I looked at P
and my shoulders feel heavier.
Not for the way she shamelessly put down someone i looked up to,
but because of the truth in the words she spoke.

The truest of all truths: My truth, is not necessarily yours.

i just LOVE boing-boing!
...

i had x-rated conversations with
2-friends last night while having beer.
ok, it was "academic"... we were
thinking out logistics (erm.. positions)
and a few possibilities
given the circumstance
of a healing tattoo on a hip
no strenuous activities/perspiring
and no sea food!!! (ok, that's not really part of the issue haha)
and 10-days to heal.
it was pretty funny.
hahaha

...

remember this character in sesame street?
yip. yip. yip. yip. brrrRrrrrring... telephone.
:)

...

1) bank account review
2) passport & visa
3) a spinning globe & one coloured pin
4) a rising excitement

stop me from smiling. haha.
am CRAZY.