2005-07-18 10:33:06
here's the REAL deal...
2005-07-19 09:48:17
Guest: chris
i can completely relate to this situation, huny.
came up with something out of my experience with my ex from hell. i think it's bullshit to say you unconditionally love someone when you don't unconditionally love yourself first. love for yourself and love for others should balance out the equation, otherwise there is no equation at all, you know what i mean? no unconditional love to speak of. if you're left wanting, it's a sure bet that there's a lot of imbalance going on there, and most likely it's on your end. you're most probably selling yourself short.
ergo, i believe that saying you love someone has no meaning if you don't love yourself more. otherwise from what reservoir would you be giving your love away from? i don't ever wanna give myself away again, and expect someone to give myself back to me. it's absurd.
chuck the asshole, darling. you're too fabulous in so many respects for the likes of him ;-) lucky him you even gave him the time of day. what a loser abuser.
came up with something out of my experience with my ex from hell. i think it's bullshit to say you unconditionally love someone when you don't unconditionally love yourself first. love for yourself and love for others should balance out the equation, otherwise there is no equation at all, you know what i mean? no unconditional love to speak of. if you're left wanting, it's a sure bet that there's a lot of imbalance going on there, and most likely it's on your end. you're most probably selling yourself short.
ergo, i believe that saying you love someone has no meaning if you don't love yourself more. otherwise from what reservoir would you be giving your love away from? i don't ever wanna give myself away again, and expect someone to give myself back to me. it's absurd.
chuck the asshole, darling. you're too fabulous in so many respects for the likes of him ;-) lucky him you even gave him the time of day. what a loser abuser.
2005-07-20 10:12:41
awww chrisy :( ... truth is, he's a nice guy. a great guy in PLENTY of ways. I just didn't see how i can face myself anymore and say - this is ALL THERE IS TO IT. This is all am worth to him.
and the closest thing JC gives for a hug is a thump on my back... does no one no how to comfort someone who is broken in this place?
it's almost funny, except am in an excruciatingly real crisis.
last night it hit me HARD ... unconditional love is a farce.
whatever concept that i have nurtured of love has been destroyed by one vapid moment.
i have always thought that if i acted upon my truth, loved as i could love, without expecting anything at all back, be as understanding and accepting and giving and forgiving as much as my being permits me to be - then at least i know i've done my bit. the world could be meaningful, even beautiful that way. Humbling.
then all of the sudden - last night i realised, that unconditional becomes unconditional when the other person treats you like dirt, but you still love the person anyway. ick.
and for those who are capable of unconditional love, as I know it... I realised this all last night... I must think very little of myself :(
last night, i was faced with a bigger truth.
I loved this guy, more than I thought myself capable of loving anyone.
Suddenly, my principles lay torn around my feet and i was asbolutely fine with it. I was not capable of being angry or mad, just dazed...
then, the bigger truth came... i am sad, unhappy and deeply burdened.
waking up nightly at 3am with a deep heavy ache of emptiness and hurt.
then, for the first time in my life... I allowed myself to hate someone completely. big fat HATE. oozing on the sides with lava hate. I realised that it's just human nature for people to feel this emotion so intensely when they are confronted with a truth so profoundly grotesque. I have never allowed myself to get angry and hate anyone or anything before, because it's just vile and ugly and evil. but then, i broke. I hated. I hated with all my heart. And strangely, I slept... almost peacefully.
i woke up with a new -zing- in my head.
no am not going around bitter, plotting revenge.
the hate is all gone now.
but i choose to stop this bull shitting. enough.
i respect myself enough for this decision.